Dissipation

The fog has lifted.  I'm me again.  ED is a mind-control bastard and I can't even explain the complete mental shift that occurs.  Gah.

The return to routine after a week of March Break-ing is just what the doctor ordered.  There are many reasons I struggled over the break, but I think a big part of it is that I thought I was going to have a hard time and then just proved myself right.  I wish I had a more rebellious instinct.

I went to the gym today for the first time in over a year and it felt great!  Ok, the second part of that sentence is a lie.  It felt awful.  The treadmill sneered at me, mocking me with its low numbers and high heartrate, and the stair-climber wretched the sweat out of me on the first step.  I felt jiggly and out-of-breath, immediately sore, and not the least bit athletic.  But the fact that I walked through those doors and threw down a solid hour of work-out time is a huge accomplishment, and that feels great.  Just like writing an essay - the first lines are the hardest to get down, but once you've started in, it's much less daunting.

I'm feeling a little low because I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered (confirmed my suspicions) that I managed to gain 6 pounds in a week.  Remember how I was going on about not purging for two weeks, how much damage could I possibly do, blah blah blah.  Well, there you have it.  6 pounds.  With purging.  And this is an example of why bulimics are often average to overweight.  And why, when I'm at my worst -- bingeing and purging the most --  I'm usually at my heaviest.  It's the ultimate slap in the face.

Last week was exceptionally terrible because of the immense amount of guilt I felt with every binge and especially every purge.  There is always guilt, every single time, but it was intensified because of the two-week no-purge deal I made with Dr C.  And so, as I often do when I'm trying to 'teach myself a lesson,' I don't allow myself to purge everything.  And I wait for a very long time before a purge, so less of it will come up.  It's not necessarily a conscious thing, only something I realized upon reflection a while back.  It's a flawed logic that I'm not entirely certain about, I just know it's a recurring thought pattern and practice.

Enough about last week.  I don't want to go exploring through the fog for fear of getting lost in it.  Today is a good day, and I am going to turn it into a good week.