This is the best I've felt in a really long time -- I made it through the whole weekend without a purge! I also made it through the entire week leading up, but the weekend was the biggest hurdle. It feels amazing. It feels like I should never have to worry about ED again. I know I will, but right now he's living on top of the dusty old bookshelf at the back of my mind.
For the past few weeks, my plan to cut out the purge has been going pretty well. And, for the most part, the urge to binge is leaving with it. Without the promise of a purge, my mind won't let my body binge, for fear of excessive weight gain. Dr. C keeps reminding me that I'm only supposed to be focusing on the purge, and not the binge. But I keep reminding him that without the purge, I don't want the binge. The concern is that I will inevitably, eventually, binge. And I need to be prepared to deal with that in a way that does not involve a purge. So my homework for the next few weeks is to plan and have a weekly binge, but under no condition am I to purge. Part of the reason for this plan stems from my difficulty with down-time, and my fear of relapse on the weekends. Rather than torturing myself by thinking ahead to a less-structured weekend, and the fear of the binge and relapse, and the overwhelming anxiety that I feel when I think about getting through a weekend without a binge, Dr. C suggested I give myself permission to binge. That way, I don't really have to think about the stress throughout the week, because I know that come Saturday, I can binge if I want. The caveat is that I cannot purge.
The experiment is to allow myself a weekly binge (sans purge), and see if it results in the immense weight gain I have conditioned myself to believe it will. After all, the reason I purge after each binge is to combat the obvious weight gain that will occur. But how much weight will I really gain if I just binge once a week? Maybe it's not going to affect me at all. Maybe it will be just enough that I can live with it. Or, maybe it will be a lot, but worth it enough to up my exercise.
This past weekend, I actually had my binge on Friday night. I was exhausted and grumpy after a busy week, and wanted nothing more than to hole up in my room and watch mind-numbing tv. Which is exactly what I did. I had a few cookies and treats when I first got home from work, and then I wasn't in the mood at all for a regular supper, so I just didn't have one. The urge to binge was pretty high, but not overwhelming. As I watched tv, I was thinking about the Reese Peanut Butter Chipits in the cupboard. So I decided that I'd let myself eat as many of them as I wanted, and I did. I ate a little over half of the bag, and then I fell asleep. Mission accomplished! Certainly not a huge binge, but a binge nonetheless, and one that was not followed by a purge! I felt okay about it; not great, not terrible, just okay. If I had been bingeing for a purge, I would have undoubtedly consumed the entire bag of chipits, along with a huge bag of chips and some licorice. But I still think I passed the test -- why force myself to eat a bunch of food and feel miserable if I'm not in the mood for it?
I also need to thank my body for continuing to work, and work well, despite all the terrible treatment I've given it. This morning, out of curiousity, and also as a benchmark for the experiment, I stepped on the scale. I prepared myself for the worst - I was thinking/feeling 160's. But you know what? 155! That means I've dropped 3lbs since the disastrous 6lb gain over March Break. Despite all of the ups and downs, irregular eating patterns, forced purges, and distended stomachs from greasy, salty, fatty, sugary, disgusting food, my body can still function as a normal, metabolic system. After eating pretty well (but without restrictions), and regular exercise, my body has reset itself. Thank you, body, I needed that. It gives me hope that I can be a regular eater without being really overweight, which is one of my constant fears. Of course I would still like to lose some, but I'm trying not to focus on that.
I'm training for a 10k race with a few friends, and it keeps me motivated to stay active and eat well to fuel my body. As I train, getting in my regular runs and workouts, I try to focus on muscle strength and overall fitness rather than weight loss. I know it's a bit of a superficial thing to say, because of course weight is always at the back of my mind, but my point is that I'm trying to keep it shelved along with ED. My smaller jeans are still calling to me, hoping to be worn again in the near future. And I would very much like to get back into them. I think I will get there, but I think it's going to be a very slow and gradual process. I'm okay with that, if it means that I can continue to eat without restriction and trust that my body will find its ideal set weight. I just need to be okay when my body's ideal weight and my ideal weight aren't the same thing. But maybe by then I'll realize that they are one and the same.
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