This weekend is considerably better than the last. Still purge-free, and my spirits are up. I am always a much happier person when I'm not engaging in ED behaviors, yet I continue to go back to them. Moods are an amazing thing, I and I do not understand how I can go from being happy and confident and convinced of my recovery in one moment, to depressed and lonely and overwhelmed and resigned to failure the next. When I'm in a low, I don't even want to think about recovery or any happy times. I think it's a natural part of a bad mood - sometimes you just want to revel in it. And then when I'm doing really well, I think to myself, how could I have ever felt that low? How did I live that way? I'll never go back to it. Never. And then BAM. Something happens and I'm three rows into the Double-Stuffed Oreos.
I hate to think about the eventual (inevitable) slip, but I think maybe it's a good thing. I want to know what my triggers are, and how to push through in those moments of weakness and relapse. Certainly something I will spend time talking to Dr. C about. If only there was a magic pill to pop that would take all the temptations and ED thoughts away. So often I wish for a solution in pill-form. I've even tried a few, but nothing with long-term success.
I have to admit I cheated with the scale today. I have been doing well not to purge, even though I know I have been eating more than I feel comfortable with. I just wanted to step on to gauge the damage, and I guess to make sure I haven't ballooned. I was shocked (RELIEVED) to see that I haven't gained anything, not a single pound. How can that be? How can I be so entirely convinced I've turned back into a blubbery whale, when really I'm exactly the same? Even though I'm not supposed to be tied to the scale right now, I actually think seeing that number this morning helped me get through today. I should probably be worried about what that means, and what would have happened if I had been as much heavier as I thought I would be.
There were a few difficult moments today when I was very tempted to binge. I made two delicious meals today, which is something I normally do during recovery. I love to cook, and I love to cook healthy meals. For lunch I made a chicken and veggie stirfry on rice noodles with garlic hoisin sauce. Pretty tasty. For supper I cut up chicken breasts, dredged them in flour and egg whites, and then rolled them in a parmesean-reggiano cheese blend with a spicy pepper seasoning thrown in. To go with the chicken, I cut up some sweet potato and baked. Another delicious meal. Both were completely satisfying, and both were reasonable portions. And both made me want to continue eating the rest of the kitchen contents. I was able to stop myself after a cookie or two, and supplemented with pop just to keep my hands and mouth busy. It's scary that every time I eat, I experience that out-of-control feeling that makes me want to binge. The only reason I can stop is that I'm so deep into my thoughts right now. When I'm in a regular binge-purge cycle, it's more like auto-pilot. No thoughts involved, just a reach into the cupboard for the next bite, repeat until purge. I fought the urge to eat all of the milk chocolate chips in the top cupboard. I fought the urge to consume the entire bag of licorice I keep talking about. I fought the urge to whip up a batch of cookie dough and eat it, raw and delicious. I am acutely aware of how much food is in the house at all times. I know where people keep their leftover holiday goodies, I know when a bag of chips gets tucked away in the back closet, I know when there are peanut butter chips in the baking cupboard. Like a thief who knows where the valuables are, I am always aware of the food. It calls to me, imprints on my brain, and doesn't let me forget.
I'm proud of my successes so far, but I'm still very worried about next week. Weekends are my toughest times because there is no routine, and there are way too many opportunities to binge. Now it's March Break, which is an entire week of weekend. Bad timing? Or the best timing? If I can make it through this, it will be both a huge accomplishment and a great example of persevering through the worst.
Maybe I should get a tongue piercing so my mouth will be sore and I won't be able to eat or purge without difficulty and discomfort. Now there's an idea. Hahahaha. Oh, you would be laughing if you knew me.
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