I am so happy to report that I have not purged in three days!
I was pretty much dreading my therapy session this week because I knew what my homework would be -- to give up the purge. I've been writing about it a lot, but I've been thinking about it even more. My previous homework was to put the scale away, and as tough as it was to do in the beginning, it has been surprisingly freeing. And so far, I can say the same thing about the purge.
Dr. C's challenge to me is to not purge for two weeks, no matter what. I'm not supposed to worry about eating, I'm just not allowed to purge. To anybody with an eating disorder, this is a ludicrous challenge. In the past, I've always tried to give up the binge first, therefore eliminating my need to purge. This time, I'm to give up the purge first, without worrying about trying to control the binge. Dr. C made the excellent point that trying to worry about both is too much. In the past, giving up the binge meant a complete switch to clean, healthy eating, in order to control the urge to binge through eliminating trigger foods from my diet. I find it nearly impossible to eat a piece of licorice without wanting the whole bag. I struggle to eat any kind of delicious food without stopping. Sometimes any food, no matter how healthy or bland it is, triggers the binge. A little taste of the poison, begging for more. So to cut off my escape route (the purge) while still allowing myself to eat junk seems like a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean weight gain. And the eventual return to the purge. But all he's asking for is two weeks. Two weeks without purging, and then I can go back to it if I choose. Surely I can give him (me!) two weeks -- it's a reasonable amount of time, and even if I binge terribly every day, there's only so much weight I can pack on in two weeks. It's scary/frustrating to think about gaining even a bit of weight, since I fought/fight so hard to lose it, but it's not the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, I guess I'll just die a bit chubbier.
What I'm quickly realizing is how differently I eat for a purge. I first noticed it at the mall food court on Tuesday before my session. In anticipation of suspending the purge, I wanted to test myself a little bit. It was suppertime, I was hungry, and I wanted something greasy and delicious. But I also told myself I wouldn't purge. Purging in a public bathroom is beyond disgusting, which I'm sad to say I know from experience. After a lengthy battle in my mind between choosing Subway (healthier - won't make me uncomfortably full, won't make me feel like I need to purge, this is what a healthy me would choose) and New York Fries (this is what I really want, this is super greasy and tasty, this will make me feel the need to purge), I eventually convinced myself to go for it and get a hot dog and fries at New York Fries. And no matter what, I wouldn't purge. I've gotta tell you, that was the least satisfying hot dog and fries I've ever had. I was expecting to devour every bite and then feel guilty and stuffed and disgusting afterword. Instead, I noticed the hot dog tasted just fair. The bun-to-dog ration was too high; they use big sausage buns. I was hoping for a greasy wiener, a soft, buttered bun (lightly toasted), and perfectly drizzled line of ketchup to top it off. Instead, I got a long, rubbery dog, and a dry, lukewarm sausage bun. The fries were just alright, which is disappointing when the name of the franchise leads me to believe they will be amazing. They looked amazing, all thick and salty with the skins still on, but they tasted a bit like old grease. These things - the subtleties of taste - are things I would have never noticed if I was eating with a purge in mind. I would have just scarfed it all down, assumed it tasted great, and felt terrible about it. Instead, I quit halfway through the dog, worked my way through a few more of the fries, and eventually tossed the rest of it into the garbage. I was conscious of each bite, and realized that, without the purge, there was no reason to continue eating after I wasn't enjoying it. I was just throwing calories into my body, calories that I wouldn't be getting rid of, and they weren't even delicious calories.
It seems so simple. Just be mindful. But it's not that simple. Directly following my food court experience, I headed to Walmart to pick up some binge food. I'm not sure why I did that. Mostly out of habit, and because I had been thinking about it all day. I bought a package of Pull-n-Peel licorice, a large bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, and a bag of Cajun nut mix. The makings of a perfect binge: candy, chocolatey, salty/carby. And the whole time I was sitting in Dr C's office, talking about giving up the purge, those treats were on my mind. They were taunting me. I had already sabotaged myself. So you know what I did? I told Dr. C about it. I told him exactly what I bought, and what I planned to do with it, which was to go home that night directly after our session and eat it all. Just telling him took away some of its power over me. He told me to go ahead and eat it, as much as I felt like, but that I couldn't purge. I didn't want to start off my two weeks by cheating -- it would be a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't want to look back on my two weeks and have it tainted by a secret binge/purge. He suggested that I allow myself to eat some of the snacks on the drive home to take the edge off the craving. And I did just that. I ate lots of mini-eggs, and I enjoyed every damn one. I had quite a few more mini-eggs after I got home as I was finishing some computer work, and I even cracked into the Cajun mix. But I didn't purge. I stopped eating both before the bags were empty. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment! And guess what? There is still some Cajun mix left, and I haven't even opened the bag of licorice! You have no idea what a big deal that is! The fact that they are in my room and not in my belly is no small thing.
Knowing that I do not have an 'out' is taking away the desire to binge. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I still have the urge. But when I remind myself that there is no purge, the temptation dwindles. I'm forcing myself to stop and think before I eat, which is a huge step. In the past few days I haven't been eating very healthfully, but I haven't been bingeing. Today I had a giant piece of pizza and two pieces of delicious cake for lunch. And I was ok with it. Eliminating the purge stops the floodgates from opening. If the purge had been an option, I'm sure I would have had another giant piece of pizza and a few more pieces of cake. Not because I was hungry or unsatisfied, but just because they were there, and if I was going to purge anyway, I might as well make it worth it. All or nothing.
I find it difficult to end these posts because my thoughts never stop. I want to flesh everything out, to write about every thought that is connected to the purge and the non-purge, to discuss the pros and cons and what it might mean for my eventual recover, to get into every up and down and struggle I face during the day. I hate feeling like I haven't said everything. But I guess that's what keeps me coming back, and hopefully you, too! For now I am happy to be proud of myself for these three days, and for being positive about the 11 more to come before my next visit with Dr. C. I want to do this, I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this.
Suck it, Purge.
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