Mind Battle

I reallllllllllllllly want to binge.  Today was/is hard.  And now it's March Break, which means I'll have way too much free time.  Free time usually means binge time.  Plus I'll be house-sitting, which means I'll have the entire place to myself.  Stocked cupboards, beautiful kitchen, empty house, nobody to hide from.

It's Friday night, and all I want to do is eat the entire bag of licorice (still unopened) and finish off the Cajun nut mix.  But I know that if I do that, I will purge.  I can't purge.  And if I can't purge, I can't binge.  All day long I've been fighting with myself.

ED: Just one purge - it's okay, you deserve it, it's March Break, you need to treat yourself.    It's bad timing anyway, you know you'll never make it through next week, you might as well just start now.  Why waste this time struggling when you could be eating.  

My weak little voice: Well, you're probably right.  But I just can't do it.  I promised Dr. C.  Two weeks.  I can't fail at this, or there's no hope for me ever recovering.  

ED: Idiot.  You're going to be so unhappy and bored.  I'll always be here, taunting you, so why try to get rid of me?  Just go ahead and eat as much as you want, there's no reason to restrain yourself, you're just going to fall apart later anyway.  Licorice!  A whole bag!  Even if you don't purge, you should probably just eat it all so it's gone.  Fresh start tomorrow.

Me, caving: Yeah, that's a good point.  I should probably get rid of all the temptations now and start fresh.  

ED: Right?  Plus, you already ate a whole bag of mini-eggs today.  And let's face it, they're sitting right on your fat roll.  Probably won't feel very good in your jeans if you go out tonight.  You're already starting to gain weight, and unless you purge, you're going to grow right back out of those pants you were so excited to fit back into.

Me, fading: I know.  I'm so frustrated about the mini-eggs.  I didn't mean to eat the whole bag.  But what else was I supposed to do?  They were there.  Jersey Shore was on.  Watching tv without eating is like driving without the radio on.  

ED: Bingeing without purging is like shitting without wiping your ass.

Me, annoyed: Frig.  I hate it when you're right.

ED: Don't write about this you moron, just give yourself a break and bust open the licorice.  You can do better tomorrow.

Me, empty: I have to write.  It's the only thing I can think of to stop me from bingeing.  Why is this so hard. 

WHY. IS. THIS. SO.  HARD.

I wish there was a sedative I could take to knock everything out of my brain.  I just don't want to think about it.  I don't want to fight.  I don't want to have to decide, every second of every day, not to cram everything edible into my mouth, not to stick my fingers down my throat.  For now I'm going to leave the licorice alone.  ED is trying to trick me into eating it, telling me I don't have to purge.  But I know I will.  I know that if I eat the whole bag, I will purge.  That is a fact.  I'm already pushing the limits with the mini-eggs.  For now I will get a can of pop, maybe play the piano for a while, and try to distract myself from the incessant mindbattle.  I win this one, but I'm really nervous for March Break.  What should I do?