This is the best I've felt in a really long time -- I made it through the whole weekend without a purge! I also made it through the entire week leading up, but the weekend was the biggest hurdle. It feels amazing. It feels like I should never have to worry about ED again. I know I will, but right now he's living on top of the dusty old bookshelf at the back of my mind.
For the past few weeks, my plan to cut out the purge has been going pretty well. And, for the most part, the urge to binge is leaving with it. Without the promise of a purge, my mind won't let my body binge, for fear of excessive weight gain. Dr. C keeps reminding me that I'm only supposed to be focusing on the purge, and not the binge. But I keep reminding him that without the purge, I don't want the binge. The concern is that I will inevitably, eventually, binge. And I need to be prepared to deal with that in a way that does not involve a purge. So my homework for the next few weeks is to plan and have a weekly binge, but under no condition am I to purge. Part of the reason for this plan stems from my difficulty with down-time, and my fear of relapse on the weekends. Rather than torturing myself by thinking ahead to a less-structured weekend, and the fear of the binge and relapse, and the overwhelming anxiety that I feel when I think about getting through a weekend without a binge, Dr. C suggested I give myself permission to binge. That way, I don't really have to think about the stress throughout the week, because I know that come Saturday, I can binge if I want. The caveat is that I cannot purge.
The experiment is to allow myself a weekly binge (sans purge), and see if it results in the immense weight gain I have conditioned myself to believe it will. After all, the reason I purge after each binge is to combat the obvious weight gain that will occur. But how much weight will I really gain if I just binge once a week? Maybe it's not going to affect me at all. Maybe it will be just enough that I can live with it. Or, maybe it will be a lot, but worth it enough to up my exercise.
This past weekend, I actually had my binge on Friday night. I was exhausted and grumpy after a busy week, and wanted nothing more than to hole up in my room and watch mind-numbing tv. Which is exactly what I did. I had a few cookies and treats when I first got home from work, and then I wasn't in the mood at all for a regular supper, so I just didn't have one. The urge to binge was pretty high, but not overwhelming. As I watched tv, I was thinking about the Reese Peanut Butter Chipits in the cupboard. So I decided that I'd let myself eat as many of them as I wanted, and I did. I ate a little over half of the bag, and then I fell asleep. Mission accomplished! Certainly not a huge binge, but a binge nonetheless, and one that was not followed by a purge! I felt okay about it; not great, not terrible, just okay. If I had been bingeing for a purge, I would have undoubtedly consumed the entire bag of chipits, along with a huge bag of chips and some licorice. But I still think I passed the test -- why force myself to eat a bunch of food and feel miserable if I'm not in the mood for it?
I also need to thank my body for continuing to work, and work well, despite all the terrible treatment I've given it. This morning, out of curiousity, and also as a benchmark for the experiment, I stepped on the scale. I prepared myself for the worst - I was thinking/feeling 160's. But you know what? 155! That means I've dropped 3lbs since the disastrous 6lb gain over March Break. Despite all of the ups and downs, irregular eating patterns, forced purges, and distended stomachs from greasy, salty, fatty, sugary, disgusting food, my body can still function as a normal, metabolic system. After eating pretty well (but without restrictions), and regular exercise, my body has reset itself. Thank you, body, I needed that. It gives me hope that I can be a regular eater without being really overweight, which is one of my constant fears. Of course I would still like to lose some, but I'm trying not to focus on that.
I'm training for a 10k race with a few friends, and it keeps me motivated to stay active and eat well to fuel my body. As I train, getting in my regular runs and workouts, I try to focus on muscle strength and overall fitness rather than weight loss. I know it's a bit of a superficial thing to say, because of course weight is always at the back of my mind, but my point is that I'm trying to keep it shelved along with ED. My smaller jeans are still calling to me, hoping to be worn again in the near future. And I would very much like to get back into them. I think I will get there, but I think it's going to be a very slow and gradual process. I'm okay with that, if it means that I can continue to eat without restriction and trust that my body will find its ideal set weight. I just need to be okay when my body's ideal weight and my ideal weight aren't the same thing. But maybe by then I'll realize that they are one and the same.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Check-In
Quick update: things are going well! Small setback on the weekend, but back on track this week. I'm super busy right now, so it's tough to get posts in, but it's great to keep ED at bay. No time for his antics!
I will write very soon to talk about my newest homework from Dr. C. I had a great session with him tonight!
For now I must sleep. And dream sweet chocolatey dreams. (The good kind. Not the out-of-control kind where I dream I'm bingeing on a batch of brownie batter. That used to happen a lot when I was first 'in recovery.' The dreams, not the alliteration.)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Chocolate Permission
Chocolate Morning: small piece of black-bottom cheesecake (decadently rich and moist chocolate cake with cream cheese swirled throughout).
Chocolate Afternoon: another scrumptious bite of cake after work.
Chocolate Evening: lots of mini-eggs on the drive home from class.
Chocolate Dreams: coming up!
And I feel awesome about it. I wanted it, I ate it, I enjoyed it. This is a giant success for me.
I had a good check-in chat with Dr. C yesterday. I was nervous to tell him about my mangled March Break, but I was completely honest. I also told him about the successful week prior to the Break, and my back-on-the-wagon week so far. Overall, he said he is very pleased and thinks I made some excellent progress. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's so hard to think about recovery as black-and-white; success and failure. But the journey is long and there are bound to be detours, pit-stops, even accidents. (My apologies for the lame metaphor - it's late. I promise better next time.)
There are a couple of reasons I allowed myself so much chocolate today. It didn't have to be chocolate, you see, I just wanted to eat for pleasure and without guilt. After talking about the past weeks, Dr. C reminded me that my current goal/challenge is to get rid of the purge, not the binge. It's too much to try to cut out both at the same time. Now, he's not saying that I should sit and binge every day as much as I want, only that I should not be restricting my eating as much as I usually do when I'm 'in recovery' or eating healthily. Usually I have to limit myself to very wholesome, healthy foods in order to keep the purge at bay. You see, it's difficult to rationalize the chocolate, or any other 'junk' food, as part of my regular eating. It usually leads to an unstoppable momentum of ED thoughts, and the inevitable binge. Followed by the evil purge.
Really, if I take away the purge, I'm not going to binge anyway. Sure, I'll occasionally overeat, and maybe I'll binge a bit, but I certainly won't plan to binge in nearly the same way. If the possibility of a purge was eliminated from my life, I am quite confident that the binges would disappear, too. I know I've said this before, but I feel like it's important to remind myself. Exploring my recovery from the purge point of view is still pretty new; I've always thought the binge was the problem, and that I had to stop the binge in order to stop the purge. But it makes so much sense to stop the purge first. I am so much happier without purge in my life.
He haunts my thoughts, he's pissed I've been ignoring him. Which leads me to another reason for all the chocolate. I had to go to the grocery store tonight. I was hungry and tired. Talk about asking for trouble.
As I wandered the aisles, at first I purposely diverted my eyes from the tasty items.
And then I peeked.
And then I started thinking about just giving in and buying a few things.
And then I really started to plan a binge.
And then, I decided that I would just buy some mini-eggs and allow myself to eat as many of them as I wanted.
I gave myself chocolate permission.
And then I was fine.
ED backed off, almost right out of my thoughts. Just that simple self-allowance, knowing that I would buy the treats and eat them, planning to do it out of pleasure and not out of guilt, well, it saved me. It might seem like a small, passing moment in a grocery store, but I am certain that it was pivotal. If I had broken down and given in to ED tonight, I guarantee it would have been the start of a terrible downward cycle. I wouldn't have gone to the gym tomorrow, I would have binged all weekend, and then I would have really been a mess the next week. But instead, I gave myself chocolate permission, and all the sudden ED didn't find it quite so fun. ED is my rebellious kid who wants to get a tattoo behind my back, but the second I say, sure, I'll even help you pick out a design and drive you to the shop, he doesn't think it's quite so cool anymore. I've taken away the element of secrecy, I've taken away the all-important "don't do that" that every kid invariably sees as a direct challenge.
Today, I had my cake, and I ate it. Twice.
Happy St. Chocolate's Day!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Dissipation
The fog has lifted. I'm me again. ED is a mind-control bastard and I can't even explain the complete mental shift that occurs. Gah.
The return to routine after a week of March Break-ing is just what the doctor ordered. There are many reasons I struggled over the break, but I think a big part of it is that I thought I was going to have a hard time and then just proved myself right. I wish I had a more rebellious instinct.
I went to the gym today for the first time in over a year and it felt great! Ok, the second part of that sentence is a lie. It felt awful. The treadmill sneered at me, mocking me with its low numbers and high heartrate, and the stair-climber wretched the sweat out of me on the first step. I felt jiggly and out-of-breath, immediately sore, and not the least bit athletic. But the fact that I walked through those doors and threw down a solid hour of work-out time is a huge accomplishment, and that feels great. Just like writing an essay - the first lines are the hardest to get down, but once you've started in, it's much less daunting.
I'm feeling a little low because I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered (confirmed my suspicions) that I managed to gain 6 pounds in a week. Remember how I was going on about not purging for two weeks, how much damage could I possibly do, blah blah blah. Well, there you have it. 6 pounds. With purging. And this is an example of why bulimics are often average to overweight. And why, when I'm at my worst -- bingeing and purging the most -- I'm usually at my heaviest. It's the ultimate slap in the face.
Last week was exceptionally terrible because of the immense amount of guilt I felt with every binge and especially every purge. There is always guilt, every single time, but it was intensified because of the two-week no-purge deal I made with Dr C. And so, as I often do when I'm trying to 'teach myself a lesson,' I don't allow myself to purge everything. And I wait for a very long time before a purge, so less of it will come up. It's not necessarily a conscious thing, only something I realized upon reflection a while back. It's a flawed logic that I'm not entirely certain about, I just know it's a recurring thought pattern and practice.
Enough about last week. I don't want to go exploring through the fog for fear of getting lost in it. Today is a good day, and I am going to turn it into a good week.
The return to routine after a week of March Break-ing is just what the doctor ordered. There are many reasons I struggled over the break, but I think a big part of it is that I thought I was going to have a hard time and then just proved myself right. I wish I had a more rebellious instinct.
I went to the gym today for the first time in over a year and it felt great! Ok, the second part of that sentence is a lie. It felt awful. The treadmill sneered at me, mocking me with its low numbers and high heartrate, and the stair-climber wretched the sweat out of me on the first step. I felt jiggly and out-of-breath, immediately sore, and not the least bit athletic. But the fact that I walked through those doors and threw down a solid hour of work-out time is a huge accomplishment, and that feels great. Just like writing an essay - the first lines are the hardest to get down, but once you've started in, it's much less daunting.
I'm feeling a little low because I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered (confirmed my suspicions) that I managed to gain 6 pounds in a week. Remember how I was going on about not purging for two weeks, how much damage could I possibly do, blah blah blah. Well, there you have it. 6 pounds. With purging. And this is an example of why bulimics are often average to overweight. And why, when I'm at my worst -- bingeing and purging the most -- I'm usually at my heaviest. It's the ultimate slap in the face.
Last week was exceptionally terrible because of the immense amount of guilt I felt with every binge and especially every purge. There is always guilt, every single time, but it was intensified because of the two-week no-purge deal I made with Dr C. And so, as I often do when I'm trying to 'teach myself a lesson,' I don't allow myself to purge everything. And I wait for a very long time before a purge, so less of it will come up. It's not necessarily a conscious thing, only something I realized upon reflection a while back. It's a flawed logic that I'm not entirely certain about, I just know it's a recurring thought pattern and practice.
Enough about last week. I don't want to go exploring through the fog for fear of getting lost in it. Today is a good day, and I am going to turn it into a good week.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Quotes that move me
It's been a difficult week. For me, a big part of ED is isolation, even from my own thoughts. Or, more accurately, from processing the endless barrage of thoughts. I was browsing through some great websites this weekend, and came across a wonderful collection of quotes. Some of them really reached me on an emotional level. (ED makes me cry. A lot. At everything. I hate admitting this. I never allow it to happen publicly. But I'm a mess.)
These are the ones that either stabbed my heart, made me laugh, gave me pause, or felt like they were pulled right from my own thoughts.
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
C.S. Lewis
"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
Robert Maynard Hutchins
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
Anaïs Nin
"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."
Bob Marley
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
Charles M. Schulz
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Maya Angelou
"we accept the love we think we deserve."
Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
John Lennon
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
Friedrich Nietzsche
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
E.E. Cummings
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
Mark Twain
"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."
Mark Twain
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
Audrey Hepburn
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey)
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
Ernest Hemingway
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Anatomy of a Purge
FAIL.
Eating is my trigger. Food is my trigger. How is recovery ever going to be possible?
Went out for dinner with my family today. Ordered the turkey sandwich on whole wheat, with a cup of turkey veg soup on the side. Ordered it because I wanted it, because it was a good choice, because purging was not an option. If the purge had been an option, I would have ordered chicken fingers and fries. Correction: I would have wanted the chicken fingers and fries, but would have begrudgingly ordered the sandwich and soup to keep up appearances for my family. (I'm usually not fooling anyone. I know.) The point is, I ordered what I wanted because I knew it would taste good but not trigger a binge/purge. Partial success. And yet a complete piss-off, because even while I was eating the tasty soup and just-fair sandwich, I was thinking about a potential binge. I was daydreaming about a trip to the grocery store and an afternoon of junkfood.
Questions:
I didn't go to the grocery store. I didn't purge. I didn't binge. I went home, had a cookie, loved every bite of it, and proceeded to give my room a major overhaul. I re-arranged furniture, I changed the bedding, I vacuumed, I took out the garbage. I disposed of all past binge evidence (wrappers, etc), and turned my room into a fresh mental space. This is a regular part of recovery for me -- I need to clear my life and my head and prepare for a fresh start. Once everything was clean, I relaxed for a few hours, reading and watching tv, and even nibbling on some licorice. Mindfully, not chaotically. Occasional thoughts of bingeing, but nothing out-of-control.
Then it was time to check on the dog. (I'm house/dog-sitting all week.) I planned just to let the dog out, feed her, and come back home. But I felt bad for her, so I decided to stay for a few hours and just make supper there. After rummaging through the cupboards and fridge to see what needed to be used up, I settled on broccoli and mushroom stirfry with basmati rice. I genuinely wanted it, knew it would be tasty and satisfying, and was excited to make and eat it. As I was cooking, things started to fall apart.
The brownie mix that has been on my mind since my first peek in the cupboard started harassing me. The drawer of chips, the boxes of crackers, the buttery popcorn, and the multiple cheeses begged for my attention. I considered calling someone, or at least sending a text, to confess my struggling thoughts and ask for help. But ED didn't let me. And then it just happened. The decision was made, the binge began. I ate the stir-fry, and it was delicious. I told myself to stop, I had eaten what I planned to eat and that was enough. But it was futile. I finished off a bag of plain chips and had a can of pop. Then I mixed up the brownies and ate most of the batter.
Purge.
I almost talked myself out of it, or at least gave it a good shot. Told myself I didn't deserve to purge, that I needed to keep it in to feel the grossness of it, to teach myself a lesson. ED didn't listen to me. And then, as if I hadn't had enough, I went for round two. Cracked black pepper Triscuits with Tex-Mex cheese melted on top. Buttery popcorn with extra butter and cheese melted on it. Baked the remaining brownie batter and ate the brownies. Another can of pop.
Purge.
Seriously. Twice? In a row? I HATE YOU, ED. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
I feel ashamed, guilty, sad, frustrated, upset, broken. And I would be lying if I said I haven't been thinking about it, anticipating it, dreading it, certain of it, since Friday when I found out I would be house-sitting. I need to keep writing about it to take away the shame and the dark secrecy, which ED so maliciously thrives on. It's like I kept justifying it to myself by saying it would be the only time, that I needed to get it out of my system, that I deserved it, like a last cigarette. And part of me would still like to believe that I did get it out of my system. Another part of me is thinking about the icing sugar, the milk chocolate chips, and the ice cream. There, and now they are powerless because I have confessed the thoughts.
I need to keep myself around people, and I need to build up the voice in my head to combat ED, to listen to myself when I think I should call someone, to fight against the underhanded justifications that lead back into the terrible cycle time and time again. This cannot be a slip, it is just a slip-up.
Thank-you to my beautiful friend Gitsy, who knew just what I would need to hear.
Long post, and still so much more I could write. Thank you for bearing with me through all of this. I figure the more I can flesh out, the better I'll be able to target some cause/effect, and the more ammo I'll have to fight this bastard ED. Good night for now. Any positive vibes you could send my way are much appreciated -- tomorrow will be a better day :)
Eating is my trigger. Food is my trigger. How is recovery ever going to be possible?
Went out for dinner with my family today. Ordered the turkey sandwich on whole wheat, with a cup of turkey veg soup on the side. Ordered it because I wanted it, because it was a good choice, because purging was not an option. If the purge had been an option, I would have ordered chicken fingers and fries. Correction: I would have wanted the chicken fingers and fries, but would have begrudgingly ordered the sandwich and soup to keep up appearances for my family. (I'm usually not fooling anyone. I know.) The point is, I ordered what I wanted because I knew it would taste good but not trigger a binge/purge. Partial success. And yet a complete piss-off, because even while I was eating the tasty soup and just-fair sandwich, I was thinking about a potential binge. I was daydreaming about a trip to the grocery store and an afternoon of junkfood.
Questions:
- Is it just habit? I'm still pretty fresh into the no-purge routine, so there are still a lot of habits to break.
- Do my thoughts happen because I've built an association between food and more food? Am I Pavlov's Dog? Can I be de-conditioned?
- Were the thoughts triggered, not because of eating, but because I was unsatisfied with what I was eating? Should I have gone for the fries and then just dealt with the temptation to purge on its own? I'm supposed to be focusing on the purge, not the binge, so maybe I should have had the greasy meal and forced myself to keep it down?
- How am I supposed to be okay with eating like crap? I know, it's just two weeks. But it's TWO WHOLE WEEKS.
- What is wrong with my brain?
I didn't go to the grocery store. I didn't purge. I didn't binge. I went home, had a cookie, loved every bite of it, and proceeded to give my room a major overhaul. I re-arranged furniture, I changed the bedding, I vacuumed, I took out the garbage. I disposed of all past binge evidence (wrappers, etc), and turned my room into a fresh mental space. This is a regular part of recovery for me -- I need to clear my life and my head and prepare for a fresh start. Once everything was clean, I relaxed for a few hours, reading and watching tv, and even nibbling on some licorice. Mindfully, not chaotically. Occasional thoughts of bingeing, but nothing out-of-control.
Then it was time to check on the dog. (I'm house/dog-sitting all week.) I planned just to let the dog out, feed her, and come back home. But I felt bad for her, so I decided to stay for a few hours and just make supper there. After rummaging through the cupboards and fridge to see what needed to be used up, I settled on broccoli and mushroom stirfry with basmati rice. I genuinely wanted it, knew it would be tasty and satisfying, and was excited to make and eat it. As I was cooking, things started to fall apart.
The brownie mix that has been on my mind since my first peek in the cupboard started harassing me. The drawer of chips, the boxes of crackers, the buttery popcorn, and the multiple cheeses begged for my attention. I considered calling someone, or at least sending a text, to confess my struggling thoughts and ask for help. But ED didn't let me. And then it just happened. The decision was made, the binge began. I ate the stir-fry, and it was delicious. I told myself to stop, I had eaten what I planned to eat and that was enough. But it was futile. I finished off a bag of plain chips and had a can of pop. Then I mixed up the brownies and ate most of the batter.
Purge.
I almost talked myself out of it, or at least gave it a good shot. Told myself I didn't deserve to purge, that I needed to keep it in to feel the grossness of it, to teach myself a lesson. ED didn't listen to me. And then, as if I hadn't had enough, I went for round two. Cracked black pepper Triscuits with Tex-Mex cheese melted on top. Buttery popcorn with extra butter and cheese melted on it. Baked the remaining brownie batter and ate the brownies. Another can of pop.
Purge.
Seriously. Twice? In a row? I HATE YOU, ED. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
I feel ashamed, guilty, sad, frustrated, upset, broken. And I would be lying if I said I haven't been thinking about it, anticipating it, dreading it, certain of it, since Friday when I found out I would be house-sitting. I need to keep writing about it to take away the shame and the dark secrecy, which ED so maliciously thrives on. It's like I kept justifying it to myself by saying it would be the only time, that I needed to get it out of my system, that I deserved it, like a last cigarette. And part of me would still like to believe that I did get it out of my system. Another part of me is thinking about the icing sugar, the milk chocolate chips, and the ice cream. There, and now they are powerless because I have confessed the thoughts.
I need to keep myself around people, and I need to build up the voice in my head to combat ED, to listen to myself when I think I should call someone, to fight against the underhanded justifications that lead back into the terrible cycle time and time again. This cannot be a slip, it is just a slip-up.
Words are weaker than love.Which is what I have for you.I love you when you succeed and when you struggle. I never love you less. I accept you as you are. And so should you. Fight the eating disorder but don't hate yourself when you slip.I'm here.♥
Thank-you to my beautiful friend Gitsy, who knew just what I would need to hear.
Long post, and still so much more I could write. Thank you for bearing with me through all of this. I figure the more I can flesh out, the better I'll be able to target some cause/effect, and the more ammo I'll have to fight this bastard ED. Good night for now. Any positive vibes you could send my way are much appreciated -- tomorrow will be a better day :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A week of weekend
This weekend is considerably better than the last. Still purge-free, and my spirits are up. I am always a much happier person when I'm not engaging in ED behaviors, yet I continue to go back to them. Moods are an amazing thing, I and I do not understand how I can go from being happy and confident and convinced of my recovery in one moment, to depressed and lonely and overwhelmed and resigned to failure the next. When I'm in a low, I don't even want to think about recovery or any happy times. I think it's a natural part of a bad mood - sometimes you just want to revel in it. And then when I'm doing really well, I think to myself, how could I have ever felt that low? How did I live that way? I'll never go back to it. Never. And then BAM. Something happens and I'm three rows into the Double-Stuffed Oreos.
I hate to think about the eventual (inevitable) slip, but I think maybe it's a good thing. I want to know what my triggers are, and how to push through in those moments of weakness and relapse. Certainly something I will spend time talking to Dr. C about. If only there was a magic pill to pop that would take all the temptations and ED thoughts away. So often I wish for a solution in pill-form. I've even tried a few, but nothing with long-term success.
I have to admit I cheated with the scale today. I have been doing well not to purge, even though I know I have been eating more than I feel comfortable with. I just wanted to step on to gauge the damage, and I guess to make sure I haven't ballooned. I was shocked (RELIEVED) to see that I haven't gained anything, not a single pound. How can that be? How can I be so entirely convinced I've turned back into a blubbery whale, when really I'm exactly the same? Even though I'm not supposed to be tied to the scale right now, I actually think seeing that number this morning helped me get through today. I should probably be worried about what that means, and what would have happened if I had been as much heavier as I thought I would be.
There were a few difficult moments today when I was very tempted to binge. I made two delicious meals today, which is something I normally do during recovery. I love to cook, and I love to cook healthy meals. For lunch I made a chicken and veggie stirfry on rice noodles with garlic hoisin sauce. Pretty tasty. For supper I cut up chicken breasts, dredged them in flour and egg whites, and then rolled them in a parmesean-reggiano cheese blend with a spicy pepper seasoning thrown in. To go with the chicken, I cut up some sweet potato and baked. Another delicious meal. Both were completely satisfying, and both were reasonable portions. And both made me want to continue eating the rest of the kitchen contents. I was able to stop myself after a cookie or two, and supplemented with pop just to keep my hands and mouth busy. It's scary that every time I eat, I experience that out-of-control feeling that makes me want to binge. The only reason I can stop is that I'm so deep into my thoughts right now. When I'm in a regular binge-purge cycle, it's more like auto-pilot. No thoughts involved, just a reach into the cupboard for the next bite, repeat until purge. I fought the urge to eat all of the milk chocolate chips in the top cupboard. I fought the urge to consume the entire bag of licorice I keep talking about. I fought the urge to whip up a batch of cookie dough and eat it, raw and delicious. I am acutely aware of how much food is in the house at all times. I know where people keep their leftover holiday goodies, I know when a bag of chips gets tucked away in the back closet, I know when there are peanut butter chips in the baking cupboard. Like a thief who knows where the valuables are, I am always aware of the food. It calls to me, imprints on my brain, and doesn't let me forget.
I'm proud of my successes so far, but I'm still very worried about next week. Weekends are my toughest times because there is no routine, and there are way too many opportunities to binge. Now it's March Break, which is an entire week of weekend. Bad timing? Or the best timing? If I can make it through this, it will be both a huge accomplishment and a great example of persevering through the worst.
Maybe I should get a tongue piercing so my mouth will be sore and I won't be able to eat or purge without difficulty and discomfort. Now there's an idea. Hahahaha. Oh, you would be laughing if you knew me.
I hate to think about the eventual (inevitable) slip, but I think maybe it's a good thing. I want to know what my triggers are, and how to push through in those moments of weakness and relapse. Certainly something I will spend time talking to Dr. C about. If only there was a magic pill to pop that would take all the temptations and ED thoughts away. So often I wish for a solution in pill-form. I've even tried a few, but nothing with long-term success.
I have to admit I cheated with the scale today. I have been doing well not to purge, even though I know I have been eating more than I feel comfortable with. I just wanted to step on to gauge the damage, and I guess to make sure I haven't ballooned. I was shocked (RELIEVED) to see that I haven't gained anything, not a single pound. How can that be? How can I be so entirely convinced I've turned back into a blubbery whale, when really I'm exactly the same? Even though I'm not supposed to be tied to the scale right now, I actually think seeing that number this morning helped me get through today. I should probably be worried about what that means, and what would have happened if I had been as much heavier as I thought I would be.
There were a few difficult moments today when I was very tempted to binge. I made two delicious meals today, which is something I normally do during recovery. I love to cook, and I love to cook healthy meals. For lunch I made a chicken and veggie stirfry on rice noodles with garlic hoisin sauce. Pretty tasty. For supper I cut up chicken breasts, dredged them in flour and egg whites, and then rolled them in a parmesean-reggiano cheese blend with a spicy pepper seasoning thrown in. To go with the chicken, I cut up some sweet potato and baked. Another delicious meal. Both were completely satisfying, and both were reasonable portions. And both made me want to continue eating the rest of the kitchen contents. I was able to stop myself after a cookie or two, and supplemented with pop just to keep my hands and mouth busy. It's scary that every time I eat, I experience that out-of-control feeling that makes me want to binge. The only reason I can stop is that I'm so deep into my thoughts right now. When I'm in a regular binge-purge cycle, it's more like auto-pilot. No thoughts involved, just a reach into the cupboard for the next bite, repeat until purge. I fought the urge to eat all of the milk chocolate chips in the top cupboard. I fought the urge to consume the entire bag of licorice I keep talking about. I fought the urge to whip up a batch of cookie dough and eat it, raw and delicious. I am acutely aware of how much food is in the house at all times. I know where people keep their leftover holiday goodies, I know when a bag of chips gets tucked away in the back closet, I know when there are peanut butter chips in the baking cupboard. Like a thief who knows where the valuables are, I am always aware of the food. It calls to me, imprints on my brain, and doesn't let me forget.
I'm proud of my successes so far, but I'm still very worried about next week. Weekends are my toughest times because there is no routine, and there are way too many opportunities to binge. Now it's March Break, which is an entire week of weekend. Bad timing? Or the best timing? If I can make it through this, it will be both a huge accomplishment and a great example of persevering through the worst.
Maybe I should get a tongue piercing so my mouth will be sore and I won't be able to eat or purge without difficulty and discomfort. Now there's an idea. Hahahaha. Oh, you would be laughing if you knew me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Mind Battle
I reallllllllllllllly want to binge. Today was/is hard. And now it's March Break, which means I'll have way too much free time. Free time usually means binge time. Plus I'll be house-sitting, which means I'll have the entire place to myself. Stocked cupboards, beautiful kitchen, empty house, nobody to hide from.
It's Friday night, and all I want to do is eat the entire bag of licorice (still unopened) and finish off the Cajun nut mix. But I know that if I do that, I will purge. I can't purge. And if I can't purge, I can't binge. All day long I've been fighting with myself.
WHY. IS. THIS. SO. HARD.
I wish there was a sedative I could take to knock everything out of my brain. I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to have to decide, every second of every day, not to cram everything edible into my mouth, not to stick my fingers down my throat. For now I'm going to leave the licorice alone. ED is trying to trick me into eating it, telling me I don't have to purge. But I know I will. I know that if I eat the whole bag, I will purge. That is a fact. I'm already pushing the limits with the mini-eggs. For now I will get a can of pop, maybe play the piano for a while, and try to distract myself from the incessant mindbattle. I win this one, but I'm really nervous for March Break. What should I do?
It's Friday night, and all I want to do is eat the entire bag of licorice (still unopened) and finish off the Cajun nut mix. But I know that if I do that, I will purge. I can't purge. And if I can't purge, I can't binge. All day long I've been fighting with myself.
ED: Just one purge - it's okay, you deserve it, it's March Break, you need to treat yourself. It's bad timing anyway, you know you'll never make it through next week, you might as well just start now. Why waste this time struggling when you could be eating.
My weak little voice: Well, you're probably right. But I just can't do it. I promised Dr. C. Two weeks. I can't fail at this, or there's no hope for me ever recovering.
ED: Idiot. You're going to be so unhappy and bored. I'll always be here, taunting you, so why try to get rid of me? Just go ahead and eat as much as you want, there's no reason to restrain yourself, you're just going to fall apart later anyway. Licorice! A whole bag! Even if you don't purge, you should probably just eat it all so it's gone. Fresh start tomorrow.
Me, caving: Yeah, that's a good point. I should probably get rid of all the temptations now and start fresh.
ED: Right? Plus, you already ate a whole bag of mini-eggs today. And let's face it, they're sitting right on your fat roll. Probably won't feel very good in your jeans if you go out tonight. You're already starting to gain weight, and unless you purge, you're going to grow right back out of those pants you were so excited to fit back into.
Me, fading: I know. I'm so frustrated about the mini-eggs. I didn't mean to eat the whole bag. But what else was I supposed to do? They were there. Jersey Shore was on. Watching tv without eating is like driving without the radio on.
ED: Bingeing without purging is like shitting without wiping your ass.
Me, annoyed: Frig. I hate it when you're right.
ED: Don't write about this you moron, just give yourself a break and bust open the licorice. You can do better tomorrow.
Me, empty: I have to write. It's the only thing I can think of to stop me from bingeing. Why is this so hard.
WHY. IS. THIS. SO. HARD.
I wish there was a sedative I could take to knock everything out of my brain. I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to have to decide, every second of every day, not to cram everything edible into my mouth, not to stick my fingers down my throat. For now I'm going to leave the licorice alone. ED is trying to trick me into eating it, telling me I don't have to purge. But I know I will. I know that if I eat the whole bag, I will purge. That is a fact. I'm already pushing the limits with the mini-eggs. For now I will get a can of pop, maybe play the piano for a while, and try to distract myself from the incessant mindbattle. I win this one, but I'm really nervous for March Break. What should I do?
Is 'disappointing hotdog' an oxymoron?
I am so happy to report that I have not purged in three days!
I was pretty much dreading my therapy session this week because I knew what my homework would be -- to give up the purge. I've been writing about it a lot, but I've been thinking about it even more. My previous homework was to put the scale away, and as tough as it was to do in the beginning, it has been surprisingly freeing. And so far, I can say the same thing about the purge.
Dr. C's challenge to me is to not purge for two weeks, no matter what. I'm not supposed to worry about eating, I'm just not allowed to purge. To anybody with an eating disorder, this is a ludicrous challenge. In the past, I've always tried to give up the binge first, therefore eliminating my need to purge. This time, I'm to give up the purge first, without worrying about trying to control the binge. Dr. C made the excellent point that trying to worry about both is too much. In the past, giving up the binge meant a complete switch to clean, healthy eating, in order to control the urge to binge through eliminating trigger foods from my diet. I find it nearly impossible to eat a piece of licorice without wanting the whole bag. I struggle to eat any kind of delicious food without stopping. Sometimes any food, no matter how healthy or bland it is, triggers the binge. A little taste of the poison, begging for more. So to cut off my escape route (the purge) while still allowing myself to eat junk seems like a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean weight gain. And the eventual return to the purge. But all he's asking for is two weeks. Two weeks without purging, and then I can go back to it if I choose. Surely I can give him (me!) two weeks -- it's a reasonable amount of time, and even if I binge terribly every day, there's only so much weight I can pack on in two weeks. It's scary/frustrating to think about gaining even a bit of weight, since I fought/fight so hard to lose it, but it's not the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, I guess I'll just die a bit chubbier.
What I'm quickly realizing is how differently I eat for a purge. I first noticed it at the mall food court on Tuesday before my session. In anticipation of suspending the purge, I wanted to test myself a little bit. It was suppertime, I was hungry, and I wanted something greasy and delicious. But I also told myself I wouldn't purge. Purging in a public bathroom is beyond disgusting, which I'm sad to say I know from experience. After a lengthy battle in my mind between choosing Subway (healthier - won't make me uncomfortably full, won't make me feel like I need to purge, this is what a healthy me would choose) and New York Fries (this is what I really want, this is super greasy and tasty, this will make me feel the need to purge), I eventually convinced myself to go for it and get a hot dog and fries at New York Fries. And no matter what, I wouldn't purge. I've gotta tell you, that was the least satisfying hot dog and fries I've ever had. I was expecting to devour every bite and then feel guilty and stuffed and disgusting afterword. Instead, I noticed the hot dog tasted just fair. The bun-to-dog ration was too high; they use big sausage buns. I was hoping for a greasy wiener, a soft, buttered bun (lightly toasted), and perfectly drizzled line of ketchup to top it off. Instead, I got a long, rubbery dog, and a dry, lukewarm sausage bun. The fries were just alright, which is disappointing when the name of the franchise leads me to believe they will be amazing. They looked amazing, all thick and salty with the skins still on, but they tasted a bit like old grease. These things - the subtleties of taste - are things I would have never noticed if I was eating with a purge in mind. I would have just scarfed it all down, assumed it tasted great, and felt terrible about it. Instead, I quit halfway through the dog, worked my way through a few more of the fries, and eventually tossed the rest of it into the garbage. I was conscious of each bite, and realized that, without the purge, there was no reason to continue eating after I wasn't enjoying it. I was just throwing calories into my body, calories that I wouldn't be getting rid of, and they weren't even delicious calories.
It seems so simple. Just be mindful. But it's not that simple. Directly following my food court experience, I headed to Walmart to pick up some binge food. I'm not sure why I did that. Mostly out of habit, and because I had been thinking about it all day. I bought a package of Pull-n-Peel licorice, a large bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, and a bag of Cajun nut mix. The makings of a perfect binge: candy, chocolatey, salty/carby. And the whole time I was sitting in Dr C's office, talking about giving up the purge, those treats were on my mind. They were taunting me. I had already sabotaged myself. So you know what I did? I told Dr. C about it. I told him exactly what I bought, and what I planned to do with it, which was to go home that night directly after our session and eat it all. Just telling him took away some of its power over me. He told me to go ahead and eat it, as much as I felt like, but that I couldn't purge. I didn't want to start off my two weeks by cheating -- it would be a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't want to look back on my two weeks and have it tainted by a secret binge/purge. He suggested that I allow myself to eat some of the snacks on the drive home to take the edge off the craving. And I did just that. I ate lots of mini-eggs, and I enjoyed every damn one. I had quite a few more mini-eggs after I got home as I was finishing some computer work, and I even cracked into the Cajun mix. But I didn't purge. I stopped eating both before the bags were empty. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment! And guess what? There is still some Cajun mix left, and I haven't even opened the bag of licorice! You have no idea what a big deal that is! The fact that they are in my room and not in my belly is no small thing.
Knowing that I do not have an 'out' is taking away the desire to binge. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I still have the urge. But when I remind myself that there is no purge, the temptation dwindles. I'm forcing myself to stop and think before I eat, which is a huge step. In the past few days I haven't been eating very healthfully, but I haven't been bingeing. Today I had a giant piece of pizza and two pieces of delicious cake for lunch. And I was ok with it. Eliminating the purge stops the floodgates from opening. If the purge had been an option, I'm sure I would have had another giant piece of pizza and a few more pieces of cake. Not because I was hungry or unsatisfied, but just because they were there, and if I was going to purge anyway, I might as well make it worth it. All or nothing.
I find it difficult to end these posts because my thoughts never stop. I want to flesh everything out, to write about every thought that is connected to the purge and the non-purge, to discuss the pros and cons and what it might mean for my eventual recover, to get into every up and down and struggle I face during the day. I hate feeling like I haven't said everything. But I guess that's what keeps me coming back, and hopefully you, too! For now I am happy to be proud of myself for these three days, and for being positive about the 11 more to come before my next visit with Dr. C. I want to do this, I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this.
Suck it, Purge.
I was pretty much dreading my therapy session this week because I knew what my homework would be -- to give up the purge. I've been writing about it a lot, but I've been thinking about it even more. My previous homework was to put the scale away, and as tough as it was to do in the beginning, it has been surprisingly freeing. And so far, I can say the same thing about the purge.
Dr. C's challenge to me is to not purge for two weeks, no matter what. I'm not supposed to worry about eating, I'm just not allowed to purge. To anybody with an eating disorder, this is a ludicrous challenge. In the past, I've always tried to give up the binge first, therefore eliminating my need to purge. This time, I'm to give up the purge first, without worrying about trying to control the binge. Dr. C made the excellent point that trying to worry about both is too much. In the past, giving up the binge meant a complete switch to clean, healthy eating, in order to control the urge to binge through eliminating trigger foods from my diet. I find it nearly impossible to eat a piece of licorice without wanting the whole bag. I struggle to eat any kind of delicious food without stopping. Sometimes any food, no matter how healthy or bland it is, triggers the binge. A little taste of the poison, begging for more. So to cut off my escape route (the purge) while still allowing myself to eat junk seems like a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean weight gain. And the eventual return to the purge. But all he's asking for is two weeks. Two weeks without purging, and then I can go back to it if I choose. Surely I can give him (me!) two weeks -- it's a reasonable amount of time, and even if I binge terribly every day, there's only so much weight I can pack on in two weeks. It's scary/frustrating to think about gaining even a bit of weight, since I fought/fight so hard to lose it, but it's not the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, I guess I'll just die a bit chubbier.
What I'm quickly realizing is how differently I eat for a purge. I first noticed it at the mall food court on Tuesday before my session. In anticipation of suspending the purge, I wanted to test myself a little bit. It was suppertime, I was hungry, and I wanted something greasy and delicious. But I also told myself I wouldn't purge. Purging in a public bathroom is beyond disgusting, which I'm sad to say I know from experience. After a lengthy battle in my mind between choosing Subway (healthier - won't make me uncomfortably full, won't make me feel like I need to purge, this is what a healthy me would choose) and New York Fries (this is what I really want, this is super greasy and tasty, this will make me feel the need to purge), I eventually convinced myself to go for it and get a hot dog and fries at New York Fries. And no matter what, I wouldn't purge. I've gotta tell you, that was the least satisfying hot dog and fries I've ever had. I was expecting to devour every bite and then feel guilty and stuffed and disgusting afterword. Instead, I noticed the hot dog tasted just fair. The bun-to-dog ration was too high; they use big sausage buns. I was hoping for a greasy wiener, a soft, buttered bun (lightly toasted), and perfectly drizzled line of ketchup to top it off. Instead, I got a long, rubbery dog, and a dry, lukewarm sausage bun. The fries were just alright, which is disappointing when the name of the franchise leads me to believe they will be amazing. They looked amazing, all thick and salty with the skins still on, but they tasted a bit like old grease. These things - the subtleties of taste - are things I would have never noticed if I was eating with a purge in mind. I would have just scarfed it all down, assumed it tasted great, and felt terrible about it. Instead, I quit halfway through the dog, worked my way through a few more of the fries, and eventually tossed the rest of it into the garbage. I was conscious of each bite, and realized that, without the purge, there was no reason to continue eating after I wasn't enjoying it. I was just throwing calories into my body, calories that I wouldn't be getting rid of, and they weren't even delicious calories.
It seems so simple. Just be mindful. But it's not that simple. Directly following my food court experience, I headed to Walmart to pick up some binge food. I'm not sure why I did that. Mostly out of habit, and because I had been thinking about it all day. I bought a package of Pull-n-Peel licorice, a large bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, and a bag of Cajun nut mix. The makings of a perfect binge: candy, chocolatey, salty/carby. And the whole time I was sitting in Dr C's office, talking about giving up the purge, those treats were on my mind. They were taunting me. I had already sabotaged myself. So you know what I did? I told Dr. C about it. I told him exactly what I bought, and what I planned to do with it, which was to go home that night directly after our session and eat it all. Just telling him took away some of its power over me. He told me to go ahead and eat it, as much as I felt like, but that I couldn't purge. I didn't want to start off my two weeks by cheating -- it would be a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't want to look back on my two weeks and have it tainted by a secret binge/purge. He suggested that I allow myself to eat some of the snacks on the drive home to take the edge off the craving. And I did just that. I ate lots of mini-eggs, and I enjoyed every damn one. I had quite a few more mini-eggs after I got home as I was finishing some computer work, and I even cracked into the Cajun mix. But I didn't purge. I stopped eating both before the bags were empty. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment! And guess what? There is still some Cajun mix left, and I haven't even opened the bag of licorice! You have no idea what a big deal that is! The fact that they are in my room and not in my belly is no small thing.
Knowing that I do not have an 'out' is taking away the desire to binge. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I still have the urge. But when I remind myself that there is no purge, the temptation dwindles. I'm forcing myself to stop and think before I eat, which is a huge step. In the past few days I haven't been eating very healthfully, but I haven't been bingeing. Today I had a giant piece of pizza and two pieces of delicious cake for lunch. And I was ok with it. Eliminating the purge stops the floodgates from opening. If the purge had been an option, I'm sure I would have had another giant piece of pizza and a few more pieces of cake. Not because I was hungry or unsatisfied, but just because they were there, and if I was going to purge anyway, I might as well make it worth it. All or nothing.
I find it difficult to end these posts because my thoughts never stop. I want to flesh everything out, to write about every thought that is connected to the purge and the non-purge, to discuss the pros and cons and what it might mean for my eventual recover, to get into every up and down and struggle I face during the day. I hate feeling like I haven't said everything. But I guess that's what keeps me coming back, and hopefully you, too! For now I am happy to be proud of myself for these three days, and for being positive about the 11 more to come before my next visit with Dr. C. I want to do this, I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this.
Suck it, Purge.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Two Weeks
Starting RIGHT NOW, I have to go two weeks without purging. It's part of my homework. I can do this. More about it tomorrow.
Fact: Keeping the purge, and trying to eliminate the binge through sheer will-power, will result in failure.
Fact: Continuing to purge will lead to chaotic eating.
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