It started with picking out clothes for work tomorrow. Yeah, I am kind of a geek that way. But it's amazing the time I can waste in the morning, just standing in front of the closet, trying to throw together some sort of presentable mash of an outfit. I'm not a great morning person, and I already mentioned my ineptitude for punctuality. I don't usually try on the clothes, but I wasn't sure this combo would work, so I put it on. It sucked. But I found a better option. The mirror was kind, and the freshly-washed pants were surprisingly un-tight. Cue a burst of joy! Feeling high on joy, and a little risky, I decided to open the bottom drawer of pants and try on the pair I've been avoiding. I'm in my medium weight range right now -- I have a whole wardrobe for smaller than my current size, and another one for larger. (Perk/curse of being a fluctuater.) These bottom-drawer pants are on the cusp of the smaller me, and most memories I have of wearing them are from weights lower than this. But I went for it. And they pulled up over my hips! And then they buttoned without a fight! And then my brain started singing "the pair of pants fit" to the tune of La Cucaracha. So joyful I was, that I went a little wild and tried on a few more pairs! I am currently wearing a pair of jeans that I haven't even bothered to look at in over a year, and my stomach isn't rolling dubiously over the sides! I tried on a few pair that are too loose and I can now relegate to the pile of unwearables. So long, fatpants.
(Information you should probably know: I'm not a bone-thin bulimic with distorted body image issues. I'm a pretty short gal, and I've always been very curvacious. Meaty, if you will. My adult weight has been between 137 and 179. Right now I'm flirting with low 150's. I don't have much desire to drop below 140. So when I say fatpants, I'm not referring to a size 3, I'm talking double-digits.)
It's a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, success, and most importantly, validation. Any weight that I have lost has been in a healthy way, through proper eating and regular exercise. The binge/purge only allows me to either maintain, or more likely, to gain. I need to hold on to the feeling I have right now -- the pride, the joy, the hope -- because I know these pants are buttoned because I ate my veggies and did a little sweating. Yes, it's been mixed with a lot of terrible behaviors, but I have to hold on to the positives.
And the last thing. The reason that I'm up late tonight is because I'm trying on pants that fit! I'm happily dancing around my room to a Mexican cockroach melody (refer to link), instead of bunched under the covers, finishing off the evening's binge, begrudging the inevitable purge. I would much rather give my late nights to small pants and music than ED and a toilet. When I'm tired tomorrow, I'll be much happier about it.
This feeling. Right now. This is why I fight.
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