But then we got talking, and he pointed out some very important elements of my plan to recover, and my failure to be able to carry it through. Basically, my whole plan for the past few years has been based solely on will-power. I try to convince myself that I should be strong enough not to binge. And clearly that plan has failed. I have never really looked at it in such black-and-white, down-to-basics terms. I feel like I've tried everything, from taking a crazy mood-altering drug that eventually made my hair start to fall out, to attending an in-patient treatment center for a while. But despite everything I've learned/experienced so far in my journey with bulimia, I have been resting my plan on will-power. It's a funny thing, that I've been putting my hopes on the one thing that consistently fails me. And not just me, but many people! Will-power is a bitch. How is it that I've been years without realizing that this is a fundamentally flawed plan.
So the next step is going to be really difficult, and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go. Because rather than tackling the binge, his plan is to focus on the purge. I need to take away the purge, to eliminate that activity from my routine. The binge, well, that's just too hard to control. Even 'normal' eaters struggle with over-eating on occasion, so how can I, a constant over-eater, expect myself to just say no to the binge. The scary part is letting go of the purge; it has been my safety net through all of this.
I hate the purge. I dread the purge. I loathe the purge. Yet I'm scared to let it go. The purge is my abusive boyfriend who knocks me around, and then makes me feel like I need it. My fears about letting go of the purge: I will gain weight.
Wow, I really thought I would have a big list of fears, but I sit here pondering what else is scaring me and that's really what it boils down to. I don't want to gain weight, and I feel like the purge is the only thing keeping me from that. Which is a ludicrous and blatant self lie (thanks ED) because I know, and have evidenced, that when I am in the throes of a heavy binge/purge cycle, I gain weight, no matter what, no matter how often I purge. (And it's frustrating to no end, believe me. I can't even get bulimia right - I'm still overweight! Imagine the shame. I'm already ashamed of having an eating disorder. Now compound that with the confusion on someone's face when they look at me and think, yeah right, you're not exactly wasting away.) Part of me thinks that by taking away the purge, I will also take away the binge. I only binge when I know I can purge, so can I eventually stop the binge when I eliminate the purge? This is my hope.
In the next weeks, until my next appointment, I am going to work on coming to terms with this release. It's going to be really hard. I'm nervous of what I will have to do to successfully eliminate the purge. I shudder to think that it might involve someone else, someone having to interrupt me or supervise post-binge bathroom excursions. I'm nervous that it will make me sneakier and more reclusive, because ED is a powerful and resourceful snake who does not like to have power taken away. But it's the only way.
In the meantime, my homework is to take away the scale. I am a daily weigher, usually once in the morning and once before bed, and sometimes once after work. In times of weight gain I avoid the scale, so I'm a little hesitant to get rid of it. I didn't realize (or, probably more accurately, wouldn't admit to myself) that I was so tied to the numbers until very recently. But it really informs my day. If I see a good number, I have a good day; I feel better about myself, I'm convinced my clothes fit better, and I'm more likely to eat well. If I see a number I don't like, I have a bad day; often I'll just get back in bed. So I guess I'm a little obsessed with the numbers. For now the scale is shoved in a bathroom closet, and I am confident I can leave it there. At least for a couple of weeks.
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