"It starts off with my thinking about the food that I deny myself when I am dieting. This soon changes into a strong desire to eat. First of all it is a relief and a comfort to eat, and I feel quite high. But then I can’t stop, and I binge. I eat and eat frantically until I am absolutely full. Afterward I feel so guilty and angry with myself.”Dr. Christopher G. Fairburn
Overcoming Binge Eating
Sometimes I read something and wonder if the author snatched the thoughts right out of my head. This would be a prime example. Bulimia is a pretty isolating thing, so it's nice to be reminded that there are many others out there who are having the same thoughts, struggles, and experiences. I often feel so completely messed up in the head, with the constant anxious thoughts, and the endless battle between the ED thoughts, the voice of opposition (the "I want to be healthy" thoughts), and the false front (the lies I tell myself, the thought that goes into the front I build for other people). It's a struggle. I am exhausted at the end of every day. It's a mental battle. A full-on war, really. I'm sooooooooo sick of fighting.
My most recent goal/challenge has been to put away the scale, and I am happy to report that I have been doing very well with that. Better than I thought, really. I feel a bit of freedom from the numbers. The only thing working against it is that I am currently enrolled in a weight loss program (Simply for Life - prepaid until end of March). I started in September, and at the beginning it was wonderful. I had a renewed vigor for recovery, I very successfully cleaned up my eating habits, and I even lost quite a bit of the weight I had gained through extreme bingeing for long periods of time. But then I gave in to the inevitability of a descent back into the gripping cycle of bulimia. The above quote quite accurately describes a small part of the mental process. So now I'm still practicing SFL by day, and ED by night. I'm the superhero from hell. The point I'm trying to get to is that I am committed to a weekly weigh-in (other things happen during the session but I'm making a scale-related point. Well, trying to. It's really hard to reel these thoughts in when there are so damn many of them). I was planning to skip the weigh-in. Not because I wanted to adhere to my no-scale mission. I think a weekly weigh-in is very reasonable. But because I was nervous that I would see a gain. I would not handle that well. Before my session, I jumped on the scale. I was surprised to see that I was actually down a bit. So of course I was happy to get on the giant platform scale -- you know, the kind that doctors have, with all the metal sliders; the kind that makes you feel like a horse.
I'm not sure how to interpret the weight loss, no matter how small. Those of you who struggle with weight will understand that even the smallest loss means something, but even the smallest gain is devastating. I think it's a positive reflection of getting rid of the scale. I judge every day (without necessarily meaning to) based on the number I see on the morning or at the end of the day. Bad number = bad day. Bad mood, bad eating, purging, no exercise. Perhaps I can deduce that by not weighing myself anymore, I am not as inclined to base my day on a feeling about a number, therefore less bad eating days are happening. Or perhaps this is just a fluke, because I know very well what I've been eating, and in reality, it just means that I've been a better purger. And that was hard to type. I hate to even give the purge this victory, but mostly I hate to have to be honest about it. The purge is so much more vicious about it's privacy.
Despite all of the struggles I continue to have, and the constant frustrations and negative thoughts, I am trying to hold onto the small step toward victory I have taken by removing the scale from my daily routine. I am forcing myself to see it as an important element in the overall picture of recovery. It's a step forward. I'm scared that I will gain a ton of weight without the scale holding me accountable. But at least for now I'll have a weekly check-in. Maybe next time I can be brave enough to step on to the horseweigher without a safety pre-weigh?
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