Jumping In

Well here I am.  Live, on the net, and about to write my darkest secrets, biggest fears, and most shameful struggles for anyone to read.  What am I doing.  I'm a twenty-something female from a small town, and I have been struggling with bulimia for all of my 'adult' years.  I am frustrated at my inability to beat it, despite numerous attempts of varying degree, which I will talk about in future posts.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to put it behind me, to say "I used to be bulimic," but I am sure that I'm willing to fight it.

I've been toying with the idea of a blog for a while, but always find reasons not to.  1) What if someone discovers who I am?  I'm not ready to share this part of me without anonymity.  2) Where do I start? I can't possibly tell my whole story in the first post.  3) What if I'm just perpetuating the cycle?  I don't want an outlet that encourages my destructive habits.  4) I'm just lazy.  Why commit to writing blog posts when I could be eating and watching tv instead?

So here's my justification, the reason that I'm finally jumping in. 1) If someone discovers who I am, it's meant to be, and I will hope for grace and understanding. 2) It's true, I can't tell my whole story in the first post.  But I can tell it over time, and nobody wants to know everything on the first date.  3) This is clearly ED (my eating disorder) fighting for whatever control it has to not be taken away.  Writing about this with honesty and openness is the biggest weapon I have against ED.  My bulimia is a dirty secret, one that I realize I've even shielded from my own thoughts.  So this step is nothing but a positive one, and ED needs to let me move forward with it.  4) Yeah, I'm lazy, but typing isn't exactly vigorous activity.  I'm sitting here, nibbling (gorging) away on mini-eggs in between keystrokes.  So just because I blog doesn't mean I have to give up the binge.  And I've gotta be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to.  In fact, it overwhelms me to think about letting go, even though I want to with every fiber of my being.  How's that for frustrating?

And that brings me to you, the reader, who has stumbled upon this blog.  How do I justify giving this awful disorder a voice?  What if impressionable minds read this and decide to try the binge for themselves?  I guess I have to accept that I cannot control what other people think and do, I can only speak with sincerity when I say that through helping myself by writing this, I hope to be able to help others.  Whether it's through what you read here, or what I discover and am able to pass on, I hope that some good comes from this blog, and I really think it will.  At the very least, I hope it's a good read and at least a bit entertaining.  (I once crapped my own pants because I ate too much.  Yup.  Now there's an embarrassing story for another time.)

Ultimately, I am writing because I believe it will help me to find a way to beat the binge/purge cycle.
Welcome to the journey.